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I’ve found it interesting how quickly I look to grasp a sense of stability and control. Most actions I take are not evaluated in their momentary happening but instead in a week or longer frame of understanding.
In my relationships, this manifests in an interesting way. While it appears to me that most people go with the flow, I’ve found myself reading papers on relationship development and creating multi-page think sessions in which I try to understand what’s going on.
Camus has always encouraged me to embrace curiosity, choosing wonder over control. I can’t. And I’m not even sure I want to.
My behavior of looking for information to explain and optimize my current experience is anything but new. Frankly, it’s this feeling that is largely responsible for why I started a blog.
I’m not sure if I necessarily believe that my inclination to learn more about what I don’t understand is a bad thing. As long as I keep in mind why I am seeking out that information, it’s fine. But here’s the thing — we rarely think about our why.
Sure, maybe I can recognize that I’m feeling negative emotions and that’s why I am seeking out knowledge. However, when I turn the page and look deeper, it’s not unlikely that I find a more pernicious, unresolved fear.
